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Monday, September 3rd, 2007
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7:24 pm - growing
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When social awkwardness is full frontal, seems a change is not in the cards.
Always worrying about what people think, and in turn making a situation worse.
Eric passed on saturday. My ability to comfort my friends has been non existent to say the least.
I worry about pleasing everyone, and in turn tend to mess up more than any average person can backtrack.
Today diana decided to have people over for labor day, I was constantly moving, running back and forth, not knowing why, and couldn't hold a conversation to save my life.
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| Sunday, August 26th, 2007
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6:32 pm - malnutrition, high liver enzymes, chronic fatigue syndrome, possible skin cancer, deffinate myopia..
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.....Progression, as well as minor hearing loss.
And yet, refief at knowing.
Good weekend.
I am the biracial helen keller, and I had a blast.
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| Sunday, August 19th, 2007
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4:08 pm - exhausted
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I'm always tired. I can't see straight. My eyes won't focus or move accordingly as they naturally should. My body hurts, my reaction time is off, I have no short term memory. I can't even walk straight. I'm always cold. I'm always sad.
I don't get it, I don't understand.
What's wrong with me.
If anybody has any idea, please tell me. I can't go through my life like this and I can't afford a docter.
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| Sunday, August 12th, 2007
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7:13 pm - anxiety.
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Symptoms...... nausea, over reacting to surprises, loss of appetite, overly nervous, suicidal, paranoia, lack of sleep, mispellings.
Nutshell. All symptoms in turn cause more anxiety. Breathing excersizes haven't worked, haven't had a chance to sleep it off, or time to try and fix things.
I have a couple things planned. Couple possible job oppertunitys. But my anxiety is ruining my progress, one hell of a cycle let me tell you.
I've also become socialy retarded, can't even hold a conversation, biggest dillema I think. Nobody wants to hire somebody who is so nervous when approached that she could possibly vomit all over your shoes.
shaniquas coming back on monday night, purple people eater must die. Shes been good to me, as if my personality exploaded upon my head. Ever so fitting that when I lose myself the outside matches.
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| Monday, August 6th, 2007
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5:46 am - truth
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Not rock bottom. But feeling pretty close. I've run out of juice, not orange, apple, or grape, but motivation.
Within the next three weeks, pending a miracle, I'm most likely failing.
Failing my home, my security, my health, my sanity, and myself.
A job that gives security should stay in effect, not become shady once your name and life is on the line more so than it has ever been.
I can't for the life of me think of a positive thing happening.
I love my friends, those I've wronged and those who have stayed with me. As well as those who have wronged me. I've learned something from every situation. That's a positive note.
I'm probly going back up north. This is a 50/50 good thing. The only route to salvation of health, lower middle class, and future will be with the other half of the parental pair.
I'd rather struggle under constraint and negativity, while being secure for a while. Then witness one life shattering event after another, with none of my solutions going into effect.
Yes this is vague. But I just wanted to confirm some peoples thoughts, as well as outlaw some of the negative.
At this point my theory of the only bad press is no press, has gone out the window.
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| Thursday, July 19th, 2007
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3:39 pm - I set the car on fire
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It peeled out, smoked, then smelt awfull. Stahled like a mother fucker.
My best analogy for myself and stickshift. I can draw well, it comes naturally, some people will never draw well despite all practice, stick figures galore. I feel like I can't draw stickshift no matter how hard I practice.
I did do a 3 point turn, go into 4th on a residential road, yes progress. But the second I come to a stop, I can't get it going again. This situation at a red light will not do.
So I propose a trade. 89 toyota turcel. All new parts, I've put at least 800 into it. I do not want someone to purchase it, I don't have enough time to find another to purchase. Nor do I have the money to do payments from a dealership, or afford full coverage.
All I want is a small automatic with relatively low cost to fix. My car has absolutly nothing wrong with it. From the engine to the body to the freakin AC it is exceptional. I have the title, spread the word like a flood. Also to note its great on gas.
Help people.
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| Tuesday, July 10th, 2007
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6:31 am - its not fear
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Its an uncureable issue.
It was his freakin birthday, I haven't talked to him in over a month
Why, because of my astrological sign says diana. Why do I say, I've left my heart in boston and aparently refuse to attach here.
Sounds a hell of a lot better than I'm a heartless bitch incapable of letting anyone in.
I see no plus side of a relationship. I see restriction, annoyance, hate, and inevitable pain.
Beware boyos, second I start to like ya there's two scenarios, your gay, or I stop talking to you.
He's called me once a day, and texted twice a week. Never once have I responded, yet the cycle continues.
Gah, I'm crazy.
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| Monday, July 9th, 2007
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3:47 pm - hoooo ahh!
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I love that sound
So I have, for the first time, two possibilities of a run away route.
Awfull to think that way, yes. Rude and incensitive, yes.
I spend the bulk of my time trying to keep everyone happy, very draining. Lock down as I call it. Never vent while hanging out with friends, never oooze drama goo and flood the evening. Bah, tid bit gross of a scenario.
Well, lockdown doesnt work when the stress and angst of everyday and major dilemas add up to make anything good impossible.
Aside from friends, can't think of any other reason to continue my life this way.
Debating.
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| Sunday, July 1st, 2007
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3:12 pm - my friends keep me going
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No matter what the circumstance we have an amazing time.
Last night I had reached a breaking point. I spent 4 hours on the phone at work trying to figure out how I was getting home. Then 3 when I was home figuring out how I was getting to work today. Meanwhile keith offers to pick me up, buy me drinks, and pay for my door at shepards. He didn't even know how bad my day had been, he just did it to be nice to me.
Who does that! My frizziends. Just like friday, I didn't have any cash, so alissa offered to pay my way. I have a hard time accepting it, but just the fact that its offered.
My friends are really steping up. Its when your at a breaking point, seeing how those same people you thought want you to fake that your happy, really just want you around and want you to actually be happy.
People in my life who I thought were merely party friends have showed me how amazing they are. And how much they really do care, not because the crap that comes out of my mouth is comical, but they really DO care.
It doesn't solve problems, but it helps the transition period as well as putting a goofy ass grin on my face.
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| Sunday, June 24th, 2007
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9:30 pm - random
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Friday was a blast. I've now decided to throw a theme party
I'm thinking prom. Excuse to dust off the old prom dresses, tuxes, and take a picture in front of a queer background.
Dianas idea is jammies but reversed, too much van wilder for that lil ladie.
Plus, I don't know one man that will wear lingerie. Aside from louis. Pics of that shall be posted later.
You fools, letting me take pictures
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| Wednesday, June 20th, 2007
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11:12 pm - worried.
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I didn't kill any birds, but I did not once not stahl or send the car into seizure mode. If I'm anything when it comes to driving a manual, its inconsistent.
My new schedual requires 12 rides. Yes 12. 8 was already a struggle, and money talks. I can't afford to get my car fixed let alone pay bills. And with a 5 hour cut, and a 6 day a week schedual. My boss in unkowingly ruining any hope I had at making it in this new house.
I want to runaway. I know, sounds like a 5 year old who's mother wouldn't let her have the extra cookie. But despite my mothers lack of being financially stable or emotionally stable, I never have felt like this. I just had to make it work, wow watching to much project runway.
Everything in florida holds no future, none. No jobs, aside from mass produced stores, in which you can't function financially withought cutting back one substantial thing in your life. Usually resulting in dental health or car insuarance. All of which I've cut, and STILL can't make it.
People come here to die for a reason, a future in pasco county is not possible.
With the extra money I'm paying for well everything, so as not to put her in my same position, and the extra I pay people as incentive to yes remember. The basic function of bills period, I've become an AC natzi and truly lost it.
Though that's nothing new I've always been an AC natzi. There's no need to have it on when nobodys home, or its a decent temp outside.
I've always had to deal with money issues, I've always come up with something, I thought the worst thing I would expierience job wise was when the thrift store closed down right before my raise. But this job............don't act as if I don't deserve to work here when I'm the best employee you have
A 40 year old man has no idea what I deal with on a day to day with these customers. Physical threats, things said to me that make me want to just vomit. Abuse outside of work, my friends can attest to that one. It may not be physically draining, but mentally this job has messed with me in ways that I hope nobody else has to expierience.
I'm not paid nearly enough to deal with what I deal with, and to function in an average human beings life.
Lately its been eat or have the lights turn on.
Deja vue.
If I didn't love my friends as much as I did, I think I would honest to god runaway.
What I need is to speak to a homeless man who claims they are a cheeseburger to get more perspective.
I have a home, barely
I have a job, barely
I have my health, nope, can't afford that yet.
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| Sunday, June 17th, 2007
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3:36 pm - happy fathers day
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I call,
I'm quite nice,
I'm grilled about dirt on white mother,
Asked why I didn't just send a card,
I mention my trip up there this fall,
Doesn't appear to want an aisha appearance.
Is aishas body double surprised.
Nope
Could of been a much worse convo.
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| Monday, June 11th, 2007
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4:59 pm - I have major flaws and lame addictions
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I'm a control freak, spaztic at times. To reduce that spaz factor bit nails, to save nails, now biteing lips.
After events friday, I am surprised I have any lips left. He fucked up bigtime.
I don't know if I can forgive him, I know she never will. He may continue being my friend pending good behavior, no I'm not ranting about cape cod boy.
(Speaking of CC boy, he's still putting himself on a pedistle. Looking down on my friends is not a way to impress me. Ill admit, when I first moved here, I acted the same way. I was put in check by some amazing people, and as it seems this boy needs the same treatment.)
The friend who doesn't make me choose between them, is the true friend. The one that puts himself in the pity me category, and doesn't see what he's done as wrong. Or at the level of wrong that it was, is not a friend.
Nobody tells me who to hate boyo, why do you think I'm still talking to you. Choose your battles.
I get far more defensive and vindictive when a friend is messed with than when I personally am attacked. You covered both bases, and your an old friend.
Quite a complicated situation
That in retrospect is crap compared to everything else going on. Ah well, denial aint just a river in my homeland.
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| Monday, June 4th, 2007
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5:57 pm - the north won this battle.
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Crazy. Though I may have pissed him off. we want different things. He wants a relationship, a cuddle type, a sweetie.
My bad, the inner femenine ways don't show often if ever. The walk has improved, less stomp more hip, that's about it.
He held my hand, and I laughed and called him a punani. Me thinks that says it all.
I like hanging out, witty reparte, a session here and there, but when it comes to restricition its a given, its not for me.
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| Monday, May 28th, 2007
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3:26 pm - north folk
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He's from cape cod. He's taller than me, in heels (myself not him). He insists we shoot aids monkeys out of potato guns at irritating folk. He gets my humor. He's over 21. He's a good kisser.
He's undecided as to which roomate he wants. Lol.
Miss diana and I have gotten into oh so many debates on the issue of southen women, verse northern women.
For example, her mother refused to let her take an auto body course because that was un feminine. Also she could not run track, her mother said it would make her boobs sag.
I growing up, was insisted upon playing soccer and taking karate so I could defend myself as well as having the ability to kick a mans ass, and a girls shins, so few penalties.
She was brought up with the ideal of getting married and having children being the overall goal of life.
For moi getting married and starting a family was given as an option, not a requirement in any way.
She can act feminine while taking out garbage. I can act masculine while doing ballet.
The war may be over but as it seems, north verse the south is still very alive. Why we get along so well is still a mystery to me.
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| Tuesday, May 22nd, 2007
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1:42 pm - white devil....
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Is throwing out my childhood things. White mother doesn't seem to care. First born, has no way to go to npr on off days, therfor cannot stop him.
Blanco diablos gonna get his.
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| Sunday, May 20th, 2007
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4:54 pm
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Another string of off days with nothing major accomplished. Connections are being made for seeking other and/or additional employment. I have yet to be fired, and I won't allow that blemish.
I've stayed in this icebreaker of a job only to have a hell of an audition tape for reality tv shows. Who wouldn't take a chain smoking alcoholic witty biracial bitch with purple dreds who sells porn. That's just good tv.
Plans never come through, always have entertaining backup. I may not have seen shrek the third, but I did whoop ass in the ice fight.
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| Wednesday, May 16th, 2007
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9:03 pm - sarcastic whisper.
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............I'm very...........stressed. Anxiety is disabling my basic motor functions. Very............worried. And rightly so, about everything. Only solution......winning the lottery. No dollar to spare to play, no solution.
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| Saturday, May 12th, 2007
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12:37 pm - insert fitting song lyric
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I'm going to loose my job, my car still isn't running, because I don't talk trash I'm talked about, I'm sick really sick, can't afford a docter or dentist appointment, both neccesities. Everyone is making their problems mine, I can't be your therapist. I can't help myself, how the FUCK am I supposed to FUCKING HELP YOU!
Grow the fuck up your not the only one with FUCKING problems.
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| Sunday, May 6th, 2007
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8:35 pm - happy birthday roomie!
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Last teen, spend it well.
I'm going to get tony fired, mm hmm. I have someone to take his place. *grins devilishly*
I'm at yet another plataue. Spelt wrong I imagine. I'm also noticing that for every addiction that's given up, another begins or becomes intensified.
*stopped eating (fried potatos) badly: started smoking more
*stopped drinking diet pepsi : addicted to caffine pills.
*stopped smoking pot: upped vodka intake
*stopped being a control freak: started being an emotional wreck.
New addictions to conquer. Keeps life interesting.
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aishaslife's journal
